Got a flat tire today. On the drive from work to the gym, my low tire pressure light came on. Then, as I leaving the gym to go home, I thought, “That grinding noise doesn’t sound right…oh PLEASE don’t let it be a flat tire. Shit.” So I turned into the parking lot of Lowe’s and parked. Got out to look, and sure enough, the front driver’s side tire was flat as a pancake. So, calmly, I thought about what to do. I’ve never had a flat tire before. I checked the trunk, the spare was there. But I don’t have a jack. I thought about who to call. P is at work, so that was not an option. I thought about calling his aunt and uncle. Then I remembered, I have roadside assistance through my insurance, so I open the glovebox and found their number. I had to wait around a bit, but someone was out in about a half hour. Not too bad. Now I have to get a new tire (or more likely, tires). Great, cause I was just thinking I haven’t spent hundreds of dollars on ultrasounds and bloodwork this week (like I did the week before last) and now I have all this money just burning a hole in my pocket!
I posted something on Facebook about my predicament. Something about how I wish I’d learned how to change a tire and I don’t like being a “damsel in distress.” One of P’s friends, who I suspect doesn’t think very highly of me, commented, “Just so you know, they have instructions in the manual.” I wanted to write back, “Thanks, thanks a lot for making me look like a fucking retard. I know how to read a manual.” But I suspect he would write something cold back like, “Don’t blame me, you did a pretty good job looking like an idiot all by yourself.” Instead, I just deleted the whole post. This particular friend of P’s has always made me feel inferior and stupid. I don’t know why. He’s very sarcastic, and very witty, and always has a comeback. Everything I say is made to seem like it is coming from a silly little 12 year old girl. I’m sure it’s all in my head, but this is how I perceive it.
I don’t know why the littlest things set me off. I was actually feeling pretty proud of myself for not having a meltdown when I discovered a flat tire. (The fact that I just came from the gym probably helped.) Then, this silly little Facebook exchange got me all upset. I was feeling rather hormonal and weepy today, and I thought, maybe I’m going to ovulate soon. But the stick I peed on today shot that theory down.
Then, I learn of a fellow HA forum member that just had a miscarriage, and I feel incredibly stupid for getting all upset. How trivial is a flat tire, my husband’s inconsiderate friend and yet another negative OPK? Sometimes I think about the future, and all I see is DOOM in the TTC department. I’ve barely even started. I haven’t even ovulated yet. I worry that there are much, much worse times ahead, and if I’m in tears over a negative OPK, how am I going to feel when I get a negative pregnancy test?
Sorry to be such a downer. I know that getting pregnant and having a baby isn’t going to guarantee happiness. I have to make up my mind that I’m going to be happy with whatever the outcome is, because I’ve got so much to be thankful for. One of these days I’m going to write a post about everything I’m thankful for, and hopefully that will give me perspective. But today I just feel like whining.
Now I’m going to catch up on last night’s episode of Breaking Bad and have a Reese’s Klondike Bar. A satisfying end to a craptacular day.
Perpetually Follicular 