A craptacular day

Got a flat tire today.  On the drive from work to the gym, my low tire pressure light came on.  Then, as I leaving the gym to go home, I thought, “That grinding noise doesn’t sound right…oh PLEASE don’t let it be a flat tire.  Shit.”  So I turned into the parking lot of Lowe’s and parked.  Got out to look, and sure enough, the front driver’s side tire was flat as a pancake.  So, calmly, I thought about what to do.  I’ve never had a flat tire before.  I checked the trunk, the spare was there.  But I don’t have a jack.  I thought about who to call.  P is at work, so that was not an option.  I thought about calling his aunt and uncle.  Then I remembered, I have roadside assistance  through my insurance, so I open the glovebox and found their number.  I had to wait around a bit, but someone was out in about a half hour.  Not too bad.  Now I have to get a new tire (or more likely, tires).  Great, cause I was just thinking I haven’t spent hundreds of dollars on ultrasounds and bloodwork this week (like I did the week before last) and now I have all this money just burning a hole in my pocket!

I posted something on Facebook about my predicament.  Something about how I wish I’d learned how to change a tire and I don’t like being a “damsel in distress.”  One of P’s friends, who I suspect doesn’t think very highly of me, commented, “Just so you know, they have instructions in the manual.”  I wanted to write back, “Thanks, thanks a lot for making me look like a fucking retard.  I know how to read a manual.”  But I suspect he would write something cold back like, “Don’t blame me, you did a pretty good job looking like an idiot all by yourself.”  Instead, I just deleted the whole post.  This particular friend of P’s has always made me feel inferior and stupid.  I don’t know why.  He’s very sarcastic, and very witty, and always has a comeback.  Everything I say is made to seem like it is coming from a silly little 12 year old girl.  I’m sure it’s all in my head, but this is how I perceive it.

I don’t know why the littlest things set me off.  I was actually feeling pretty proud of myself for not having a meltdown when I discovered a flat tire.  (The fact that I just came from the gym probably helped.)  Then, this silly little Facebook exchange got me all upset.  I was feeling rather hormonal and weepy today, and I thought, maybe I’m going to ovulate soon.  But the stick I peed on today shot that theory down.

Then, I learn of a fellow HA forum member that just had a miscarriage, and I feel incredibly stupid for getting all upset.  How trivial is a flat tire, my husband’s inconsiderate friend and yet another negative OPK?  Sometimes I think about the future, and all I see is DOOM in the TTC department.  I’ve barely even started.  I haven’t even ovulated yet.  I worry that there are much, much worse times ahead, and if I’m in tears over a negative OPK, how am I going to feel when I get a negative pregnancy test?

Sorry to be such a downer.  I know that getting pregnant and having a baby isn’t going to guarantee happiness.  I have to make up my mind that I’m going to be happy with whatever the outcome is, because I’ve got so much to be thankful for.  One of these days I’m going to write a post about everything I’m thankful for, and hopefully that will give me perspective.  But today I just feel like whining.
Now I’m going to catch up on last night’s episode of Breaking Bad and have a Reese’s Klondike Bar.  A satisfying end to a craptacular day.

So ready for a vacation!

From my favorite vacation (so far) in the Florida Keys, from our friend Tom’s boat. I’ve never seen more beautiful blue water.

I think I’ve finally given up on hoping that I’ll magically ovulate on my own this cycle.  I THINK.

This past week has been a flurry of obsession over temping, CM checking, and OPKing.  Last Monday I had some promising EWCM, but that was it.  All OPKs have been negative, and no temperature shift has occurred.  I’ve had twinges that may or may not be coming from my ovaries off and on.  They had mostly stopped by Friday, but started up again today.  I’m so tired of all of this.  I really don’t want to be obsessing over analyzing my symptoms while I’m on vacation.  I should really just start the birth control and get it over with, because Dr. B will definitely want me to have a period before starting the next cycle.  But then a little voice says, “Maybe you’ll still ovulate, there’s time!”  There’s lots of time.  I went over 200 days without a period, and didn’t ovulate.  And I had no period for pretty much all of 2009 and a good portion of 2010.  I really don’t think one round of Femara is going to wake up my lazy hypothalamus.

But I don’t WANT to take the evil BCPs.  What if they make my face explode into horrible zits again? What if they make me all moody and emotional, which is just what I don’t need while on vacation. My family already makes me moody and emotional. I’m nervous about how I will feel at my cousin’s wedding, surrounded by babies and young children and my pregnant cousin’s wife (she’s expecting #2).  I probably shouldn’t worry about it, because that will only make me feel worse.  I should just take a deep breath, tell myself that I’ll get to where they are eventually, and relax.

So I think I’ll start the BCPs in a day or two, because I’d like to get a head start rather than waiting for my appointment with Dr. Babymaker on the 10th.  I also have to make a list of questions/things I’d like to discuss with him.  Like why didn’t this work? Is there something else wrong with me?  Do I have crappy eggs (I believe the proper term is “diminished ovarian reserve”)?  I have been worrying about that and asking Dr. Google about decreasing E2 levels.  Though my follicles didn’t grow much at all from CD11 to CD15, so I guess the decreasing E2 isn’t all that weird.  I’m sure Dr. B will have something to say about my low E2.

Until then, I just need to be happy that I’ll be going on vacation soon (no work for a week!  Woohoo!), I’ll be seeing my beloved family and meeting my bro’s GF for the first time, and P and I will spend a romantic first anniversary in a freaking castle that has a complimentary wine spigot on the second floor.  I predict much drunken shenanigans from the both of us.  (Not that I’m a huge drinker, I just have a low tolerance and wine tends to get me drunk FAST.*)  Hopefully we won’t be too drunk for romance.  Maybe we’ll have to be romantic first, then drunk.  I promise to take lots of pictures.  (But not of the romance…yeah we’re not those kind of sick people!)

*I apologize for any typos in this post, as I’m on my second glass of Pinot Grigio and cannot be held responsible.

P.S. I absolutely LOVE the Olympics.  Other than looking at all the perfect, lean and muscular bodies, wishing that I could be like them.  Also, did you know that these are the XXX Summer Olympics (read: TRIPLE X)   HAHAHAHA.  Also, Ryan Lochte is totally doable.  Yep, I love my wine.

So not happy with my body right now.

I hit an all-time high on the scale yesterday (well, since losing 1/3 of my body weight 4 years ago).  It nearly brought me to tears, but instead I got dressed, put on my yoga video from Netflix, and got going with my Sun Salutations.  Then I took my dog for a walk, and jogged for a bit of it.  I haven’t ran at all in several weeks, and cut out my hardcore 15-20 miles per week regimen months ago.  (Not that 15-20 mpw is that hardcore, but I guess maybe it was for me.  Then again, cutting out running didn’t help me ovulate even with Femara, so what’s the point?)  It felt good.  I have no plans to go back to running as much as I was (at least not until after I’m done having kids), but I’ve decided to get back to doing more exercise.  I need it for my sanity.  I need it to keep my weight from spiraling out of control.

I suppose I could try to lay off the ice cream, too.  True story – I actually ran out of ice cream last night, and wasn’t going to buy any more today.  I was leaving to go to the store, and I asked P if he needed anything.  He mentioned ice cream.  I sighed, “I wasn’t going to get any more” and went into this rant about the weight I’m putting on.  He isn’t like me with the sweet stuff.  I will eat it every day until it’s gone.  He’s a sporadic ice cream eater.  He’ll just have some when the mood strikes him.  He promised he would help me eat it this time, though.  So, being the ice-cream-a-holic that I am, he didn’t have to twist my arm much.  And of course it was buy one, get one free at Publix so I had to get TWO cartons of ice cream.  Just what my fat ass needs, more fat!  It’s not helping me to ovulate and get pregnant so now I’m starting to resent it.

So, the gym it is tomorrow.  Now don’t worry, I don’t plan on going all crazy, I just plan to up my exercise to a reasonable amount.  I was only going to the gym once a week, and walking my dog on Saturday mornings, and a couple days of yoga in between.  I had read about some women who had cut out ALL exercise, and got their cycles back a month or two later.  Didn’t happen for me.  So I don’t think upping my exercise to going to the gym 2 0r 3 times a weeks is going to make a difference either way.  Just as long as I stay away from running.  Maybe a walk/jog combo on the treadmill for 30 minutes, max.  And the elliptical, but not too intense.  Dr. Babymaker did, in fact, recommend DAILY exercise (to which I scoffed at, thinking that exercising too much was my problem and I wasn’t even doing it daily).  I’m sure he was referring to a brisk 20-30 minute walk or something equally gentle.  He also recommended a high protein, low carb diet which I can’t even begin to wrap my head around.  I am also a carb-o-holic.  Let’s see what my favorite things to eat are: Cereal, oatmeal, fruit of ALL kinds, bread, pasta, rice, peanut butter, and ice cream and other sweets.  Yep, ALL carbs.

Also, my body is taunting me today, getting me all hopeful with the tiniest bits of EWCM making an appearance.  (Of course I’m still obsessively checking CM.)  I wish it would STOP so I could just move on to the next cycle.  But I have to wait almost 3 weeks for that appointment with Dr. B anyway, so I figure I’ll wait another week and see if anything happens.  (As IF I’d ovulate on my own, HAHAHA!)  After that I’ll start on BCPs so I get my period relatively soon after the appointment, and I can get started with the next cycle.  Always looking ahead.

I keep telling myself that I’m so over this failed cycle. Tomorrow is a new day.

Nevermind.

Today’s appointment was a total and complete bummer.  One of the follicles on my right ovary grew, but only to 11.9 mm; uterine lining only 3.8mm; E2 level – I don’t even know, but I was told it was “dropping” when it should be rising, so I didn’t even ask for the exact number.  I knew it wasn’t good, but it didn’t hit me until I got the call this afternoon.  The doc wants to cancel this cycle.  I have an appointment in 3 weeks to discuss further treatment options.  It seems SO far away from now, but it was the earliest I could get in because I’ll be away on vacation from the 1st through the 7th, and I guess he is on vacation before that.

I’m really hoping that some combination of oral meds will get me to ovulate, because the amount of money I’ve already spent scares me (and I haven’t even ovulated yet!)  I had two monitoring appointments this cycle, at $275 each ($150 for the ultrasound and $125 for the estradiol level).  With injections, there would be much more monitoring.  (Side note: what fucking KILLS me is that I work in a clinical lab and I can get my bloodwork done for free there.  However, were I to have my E2 tested there, we would not get the results until the next day because that test is done on the night shift.  So it would not work well for monitoring purposes.)  Plus, I also had a baseline u/s on CD1, which cost $150.  So yep, $710 and I didn’t even ovulate.  ($10 is for the Femara, the ONE thing that was reasonable. I guess that is the bright side to all of this?)

I know anyone else out there in TTC land that is reading and has gone through a failed IVF cycle must be like PFFFTT!  $710 is pocket change compared to spending $15,000 and not even getting pregnant! So I guess it could be worse, and I should shut up.
But I worry that this is just the beginning of my troubles.  That once I even ovulate, I have to go through half a dozen or so BFNs and a miscarriage or two before I get a “take-home baby.”  I don’t know why I think like that, I guess I’m just trying to prepare myself for disappointments down the road, just like I did with this cycle.  I think it takes away some of the blow.  I still broke down and cried in the bathroom at work, though.

It’s frustrating.  I don’t understand why I’m so defective!  I quit running months ago and my BMI is upwards of 23.  What reason is there that my body still feels it’s not safe to carry a pregnancy?  I don’t know what Dr. Babymaker will recommend next…a higher dose of Femara?  Clomid?  Injections?

I do feel better tonight.  I was able to go out for dinner with some of P’s family and barely even think about it, but then I remember that I’m defective and UGH!  Just. Want. To. Scream.

But right now I’m too exhausted for even that, so…goodnight!

Maybe something is happening?

I was surprised that this morning’s scan wasn’t a total bummer.  Uterine lining is at 3.7mm, which is still pretty thin.  The nurse remarked, “Hmm, that’s a bit thin for cycle day 11.” I didn’t tell her because I thought of it later, but at my first appointment there I was on CD 200+ and my lining was 2mm.  So this is a major improvement for me!  She mentioned that I could take baby aspirin to help increase blood flow to the uterus and thicken the lining. Of course, I was on that STAT. I was tempted to stop at Walgreen’s on the way to work, but I was already late so I stopped afterwards (finally picked up some Pre-seed too).  So, I don’t remember the measurements exactly, but basically, I have 2 follicles on the right, at 10 and about 7 mm; and three on the left, at 10, 9 and 7 mm.  Also, a bunch of smaller follicles in each ovary that she didn’t measure.  It took her a minute or two to even find my left ovary.  Apparently it likes to hang out behind my uterus, because that’s where it was for my first u/s.  I consulted Dr. Google and it seems that it’s nothing to worry about unless I’m doing IVF and they need to retrieve eggs from that ovary.  I guess I was worried that any eggs released from that ovary wouldn’t make it to the fallopian tube, and it seems like lefty is more active.  Really weird because I’m a righty myself – right handed, right footed (can kick a soccer ball much further with my right foot) and right eyed (I need a much stronger prescription for my left eye).  So I guess I’m right ovaried, this cycle.

Anyway…I got a call this afternoon after Dr Babymaker was able to review the u/s results and my E2 level (31…I knew it was pretty low still).  He wants me to go in for another scan on Friday.  Hopefully by then one of the 10mm follies takes off.  I’m more hopeful today now that I know I have some dominant follicles in there.  The question is, will they continue to grow, or is this it?

A bit apprehensive

First post-Femara scan is tomorrow morning and I’m nervous! I’m trying not to freak out about it too much. I need to be okay with whatever happens, cause I have to go to work right afterwards and I need to not fall apart. I deal with disappointment much better than I used to. I guess I’m preparing myself to be disappointed tomorrow so that it’s not so devastating.  If Femara doesn’t get me to ovulate, there are drugs that will, it’s just that they’re expensive and they involve needles.  Both things that I’m not crazy about.

In a couple weeks P and I are heading back north for my cousin’s wedding, and to visit family.  And we’ll also be up there for our first wedding anniversary.  I just booked a night at Belhurst Castle, a romantic resort in the Finger Lakes area.  For real – it’s a stone castle, built in the 1880’s.  I hear there is a complimentary wine spigot on the second floor.  So if I don’t ovulate, I won’t have to worry about possibly being pregnant and I can enjoy all the wine I want!  And when we get back from vacation, I can start on a new treatment plan.  So there’s lots to look forward to even if tomorrow is disappointing.

I really hope that my lazy ovaries are waking up.  I really don’t feel much of anything.  I thought I felt some achiness on my left side that could be ovary pain, or could be gas. Same story, different day! A good thing is that the last day I took Femara, I was so freaking dry down there that it kind of freaked me out.  It’s much better today though, so I think my estrogen has gone back up at least.  Also, I peed on an OPK stick yesterday just for the heck of it.  Of course it was negative, but I had a second line that was about half as dark as the control.  I probably don’t need to worry about OPKs because I’ll be using the Ovidrel to trigger ovulation if I have any follicles of appreciable size.  But I wanted to see if I was producing any LH at all. So I guess that is a good thing.  But then again I always get a second line on OPKs so it probably doesn’t mean anything.

In other news…tonight I am PUMPED for the season premiere of Breaking Bad!  I wish it wasn’t on so late but I’ll definitely be staying up. I get to sleep in a little later because of my appointment tomorrow, so yay.  (Assuming I can sleep at all!)

The universe is trying to tell me something…

I’ve been waiting a VERY long time to “settle down” and start a family…you know, be a REAL adult.  Ok, not that being a real adult means you have to have kids, cause not everyone wants kids.  But in my mind, for me, that’s what I always pictured adulthood would include.  When P and I first met in 2003, we were both 24 years old. I wasn’t exactly ready to go out and get married and have kids, even if it wasn’t for the fact that we’d just met.  I was still very much into going out and partying and generally being irresponsible.  I had been in my first post-college job less than a year.  P had recently finished up his bachelor’s degree in chemistry and was trying to find a job.  The job market in our city wasn’t great (for a chem major, anyway) but despite that he wanted to stick around because of ME.  So he ended up getting into the PhD program for Chemistry at the local university.  It was pretty awesome…tuition fully paid, plus he got a stipend which paid for living expenses and such.  It was going to take him about 5 years to finish.  I was cool with this.  We figured that by the end he’d have a PhD and a great job with a decent salary and we could live comfortably, buy a house and start making babies. Things at school were great for a few years, but soon he realized it wasn’t turning out as he expected it would.  He was not aware of all the BS and ass-kissing that comes along with getting a PhD (at least at this school, with this advisor).  In 2009 it was clear that he was not going to be able to finish getting his PhD.  That’s when we decided to move down to Florida, where we had always planned to move when he was finished with school (he has family here and we hate snow!)  In Florida, you can teach school with a master’s degree in anything, which he has.  In NY you need a degree in education.  So that was the plan, to start with substitute teaching, get some experience, and get a permanent teaching job with middle school or high school science or chemistry.  The first year we lived here, he wasn’t able to substitute teach but finally in the fall of 2010 he began.  Everything was going great, and in January of 2011 he got a permanent job teaching high school chemistry and physical science.  That was a disaster.  Not the right fit for him.  The kids and the staff were brutal.  I know he really gave it his best shot, but he was completely miserable!  I hated seeing him that way.  So no more teaching.  New plan: go back to school to get a bachelor’s in computer science.  Way back, before we met, when he started college out of high school he was a comp sci major, but switched to chemistry later on.  So now he is taking classes and working part time at 2 different jobs (he’s actually working full time this summer, but not taking classes at the moment).  He has two semesters as a comp sci major down.  This fall he is only taking two classes, so he can work more (at one of the jobs, at least).  He doesn’t make much money but I think he feels better bringing in a paycheck.  Plus, he has his foot in the door at a company that could potentially promote him once he finishes his degree.

 
So, where am I going with all of this?  We just found out that he isn’t eligible for the federal student loans this year, because we are married and they consider my income his.  Crap.  I’m sure we’ll figure something out; there are other loans, and maybe his grandpa will help out. It’s not that big of a deal.  But it’s just one more thing.  I really don’t make that much money, but it’s plenty for the two of us.  And a kid would definitely be doable, financially.  But we live in a one-bedroom apartment that we rent from P’s aunt and uncle for real cheap, and that wouldn’t work with a kid.  There is absolutely no room for even a crib here, much less a nursery.  I have a bunch of money saved for a down payment on a house, which is what we would really like to move into soon.  But that would wipe out most if not all of my savings.  P does not have very much money saved.

 
Then, there is the issue of my insurance not covering anything related to infertility.  Even though I doubt we’ll have to move onto IVF, the meds and monitoring are quite costly.  Especially if the oral meds don’t work and I have to move to injectables.  Not cool.

Anyway, I’m whining again and I’m sorry!  I realize that our situation could be SO much worse.  I have a great job, we have a great relationship, and a great little dog. Our apartment is small but we live right next to his aunt and uncle and we get to hang out with them all the time and they are AWESOME.  We have food, clothing and shelter, and we are young and healthy (well, other than my reproductive issues). Life is good…and I do appreciate what we have.  But sometimes I feel like the universe is trying to tell me that now is not the time to make babies.  And I say, I’m 33 years old and I’m not getting any younger.  P and I both agreed that although our situation isn’t ideal we shouldn’t wait, since I predict we have a long TTC road ahead of us with my issues.

I don’t want it to seem like I blame P for any of this.  He definitely blames himself.  But I wouldn’t trade him for the world.  He’s everything to me and I know he’ll succeed.

Sometimes, you just want to tell the universe to fuck off!

Obsessed much?

Two doses of Femara down, three to go!  Not feeling much of anything yet, and I don’t expect to (it’s supposed to have very few side effects).  Of course, one of those side effects is headaches and I had a mild headache this morning.  Sometimes I wonder if I just imagine side effects.  I also imagined several times throughout the day that I was feeling something going on in my ovaries but I’m pretty sure it was just gas.  Back in March through May when I was hoping to get my cycle back naturally, I had “ovary pains” all the time.  I thought for sure something was happening down there.  But now I know it was just gas, because the ultrasound at my first appointment with Dr. Babymaker showed that I had a 2mm lining and ovaries full of immature follicles.  So yeah, it was definitely just gas.

AF just left town, so now we can move on to obsessively checking for CM every time I go to the bathroom.  Not expecting to see anything until after I’m done with the Femara, but that doesn’t stop the obsession.  Before I started going to the RE (and was having so called “ovary pain”) I would sometimes go to the bathroom just for that reason.  Even if I didn’t have to pee or anything…I just wanted to see if my body was finally doing something.  If I found EWCM I was on cloud nine!  But then came crashing down when my temperature didn’t rise and confirm ovulation a few days later.  This would happen about once a week and I eventually learned not to get my hopes up every time I saw fertile-looking CM, but it didn’t stop me from checking.

I think about all the women I know who have been pregnant recently – cousins, friends, coworkers – and I wonder how many of them checked their CM.  Or if they even know what CM is?  Did they ever check their basal body temperatures? Do they know how long their luteal phases are?  Did they time intercourse with ovulation to get pregnant, or did they just wing it?  I mean, I’m guessing the answer to most of these questions is no.  I’m guessing that most women just get pregnant and don’t have to think about it that much before it happens.

My Mom was recently telling me about her pregnancies.  She always had very irregular cycles, but somehow when she was ready to get pregnant she started cycling pretty regularly, and for both her pregnancies they only had to try one or two months.  How’s that for lucky?  My situation is the opposite.  My cycle was always regular (even when not on the pill) and now that I want to get pregnant it’s disappeared.  Go figure.

I need to go to bed.  If I stay up too late, it will mess up my sleep and therefore my BBT tomorrow morning will be off and it will mess up my chart.  Good night!

CD 1

It’s finally here!  The cycle in which I may actually have a chance at getting pregnant has begun.  After finishing 14 days of BCPs on Monday, I got my period Friday morning right on schedule.  I always get it exactly 3 1/2 days after taking the last pill, and apparently it doesn’t make what pill I’m on because I was on a different one this time.  I thought that maybe I’d get lucky and AF would show up early but no such luck.

So yesterday was kind of a crazy day. I woke up late – 5:40 instead of 5:00 (forgot to set the alarm) but somehow I actually made it to work on time.  At 8:00 I called my doctor’s office, and one of the nurses returned my call promptly.  Said that I needed to come in for an ultrasound before they would give my the prescription for Femara.  And that I needed to come in that day, because it was Friday and I needed to start taking it on Sunday, and also that they closed early.  I was like, um, I’m at work?  But luckily, my job is pretty flexible with hours so I was able to leave at 10:30, got to the office at 11:00, and I was back at work by noon.  I would have been back sooner because I literally only needed to be there 10 minutes, but I sat in the waiting room until 11:30.  If I’d known, I would have left work at 11…but it never works out that way does it?

So everything looked good on the ultrasound, according to the nurse/tech.  I was handed the prescription for both Femara and Ovidrel.  I asked if I should really fill the prescription for Ovidrel right now, because I won’t need it for awhile (and I’m thinking maybe I won’t even get to use it this cycle if the Femara doesn’t work).  But the nurse said I could go ahead and fill it and just keep it in the fridge.  I read that it’s good up until the expiration date if it’s kept in the fridge.  I certainly hope I get to use it before it expires because it is going to cost me a pretty penny.

After work I took my prescription to the Winn Dixie where I usually get my prescriptions filled.  I expected that they wouldn’t have the Ovidrel in stock and would have to order it.  But they didn’t have the Femara either!  The pharmacist told me, “I haven’t filled a prescription for this in 3 years.”  Okay…  So I waited while they checked into it.  They were super awesome and found out that the CVS down the road had it in stock, and they transferred the prescription there for me.  Score!  Then they told me the Ovidrel would cost $99.50.  Balls.  I was told it would be $70-$80.  If I have to get it again, I’m going to shop around for it because I think I’m getting screwed on the price.  This time I just went with it.  I’ll be able to pick it up from Winn Dixie on Monday afternoon.

They told me to give CVS about an hour to fill the Femara prescription, so to kill time I did some grocery shopping, and headed over.  It was super busy and I did a lot more waiting around, while they put my info in their system.  I was very patient, and didn’t freak out like the old me would have.  I was pretty proud of myself.  But after all I went through yesterday to get the Femara, I’m thinking this HAS to work.  Right?

So I start it on Sunday, which is CD 3, and I take it for 5 days.  A week from Monday, which is CD 11, I have an ultrasound scheduled to see if there is any progress.  I’m trying to be optimistic.  I’m hoping that since I’ve put on some weight and I barely exercise any more (just walking my dog and yoga, and occasionally I do the elliptical at the gym but that has not been very often), that I’ve put my body in a good position to respond.  I’m a bit terrified of having to do injections. Not that I don’t think I can give myself shots, but because of the cost.  My insurance doesn’t cover anything.  No meds, no monitoring (the ultrasounds are $150 a pop…yikes!), no IUI.  Already I’m not thrilled about what this cycle is going to cost, but what is the alternative?  I’d be much more stressed out just waiting to ovulate on my own.  Since I’ve started seeing the RE I’m definitely more relaxed about all of this.  Although I know I’m going to be depressed when my ultrasound on CD 11 shows nothing.  But I guess you never know until you try.